MS and the Fear of Emotional Abandonment

Introduction: Why MS Often Comes with Emotional Fear

Multiple sclerosis (MS) isn’t just a condition that affects the nervous system—it touches the emotional core of your relationships, identity, and sense of security. One of the most difficult, yet rarely talked about, aspects of living with MS is the fear of emotional abandonment.

It’s not irrational. Chronic illness often changes how others see you—and how you see yourself. As your physical needs increase, you may start wondering:

  • Will they still love me when I can’t do as much?
  • What if I become a burden?
  • What if people pull away because they can’t handle my illness?

This fear isn’t just painful. It can isolate you, spike anxiety, and impact how you connect with others—even those who deeply care about you.

In this article, we’ll explore why emotional abandonment fears are common with MS, how they show up, how past trauma may play a role, and most importantly, how to reclaim trust, connection, and emotional safety.

Looking for online therapy? Click here.

🚨 What Is Emotional Abandonment?

Emotional abandonment is not just about someone physically leaving. It’s the feeling of being left alone with your emotions, even when others are present. It happens when:

  • Your pain is minimized or dismissed
  • You're made to feel “too much” or “too needy”
  • Loved ones emotionally distance themselves
  • You feel unsafe expressing your needs

This fear can be deeply triggering for anyone—but for people with MS, it can feel magnified due to increased vulnerability, changing roles, and past relational patterns.

🧩 Why MS Triggers Fear of Abandonment

🛑  Illness Shifts Relationship Dynamics

When you’re diagnosed with MS, roles in your relationships may suddenly change.

  • A partner becomes a caregiver
  • Friendships feel one-sided
  • You may rely more heavily on others for support

These shifts, even when done with love, can create internal panic:
"If I need too much, will they leave?"
"Am I too heavy to love now?"

😢 People Really Do Disappear Sometimes

Unfortunately, many people with MS experience actual abandonment:

  • Friends who fade after your diagnosis
  • Romantic partners who can’t handle the changes
  • Family members who minimize your illness

This creates a blueprint of pain that reinforces: I’m only lovable when I’m healthy.

🧠 Trauma and Attachment Wounds Resurface

If you’ve experienced abandonment earlier in life—emotionally or physically—MS can reactivate that wound. Your brain goes into survival mode, interpreting illness as a threat to connection.

This can lead to:

  • Hypervigilance in relationships
  • Clinginess or withdrawal
  • Fear of expressing needs
  • People-pleasing to avoid rejection

🔄  Internalized Ableism Adds Shame

Living in a society that glorifies independence and productivity means that when MS forces you to slow down or ask for help, shame may creep in.

You might believe:

  • “I’m not lovable if I can’t contribute equally.”
  • “They’ll leave me for someone easier.”
  • “I don’t deserve care.”

These beliefs fuel abandonment fear—even if your loved ones aren’t going anywhere.

🧠 Signs You May Be Struggling with Abandonment Fear

  • You constantly worry people are pulling away
  • You feel anxious when someone takes longer to respond
  • You overthink asking for help
  • You assume others are tired of your MS struggles
  • You avoid deep connections to protect yourself
  • You suppress emotions to seem “low-maintenance”

If this sounds familiar, know this: You are not broken. You are reacting to real experiences, past and present.

🧪 The Nervous System Connection

Living in fear of abandonment activates the fight-or-flight system:

  • Heart rate increases
  • Muscles tense
  • Thoughts race
  • Emotional flooding occurs

Over time, this chronic stress state contributes to:

  • MS flares
  • Poor sleep
  • Fatigue
  • Increased pain sensitivity

Addressing this fear isn’t just emotional—it’s part of regulating your nervous system and supporting your health.

Looking for online therapy? Click here.

💬 What People with MS Say About This Fear

“Even when people say they’re here for me, I still feel like I’m too much. Like one more flare, and I’ll be alone.”

“I pretend I’m fine just so I don’t scare people away. It’s exhausting.”

“It’s hard to open up because I don’t want pity. But staying silent makes me feel invisible.”

These voices reflect a silent epidemic: the fear of being emotionally abandoned by the people we love most.

🛠️ How to Heal from Emotional Abandonment Fear

Healing doesn’t mean pretending the fear doesn’t exist. It means building emotional safety, internally and externally.

Here’s how:

🪞 Validate the Fear

Don’t shame yourself for having this fear. Say:

  • “It makes sense I feel this way.”
  • “I’ve been through experiences that taught me to expect abandonment.”
  • “I’m allowed to have needs and still be lovable.”

Validation calms your nervous system and builds self-trust.

🧠  Work with the Inner Child

Many fears of abandonment stem from childhood wounds. You can support your inner child by:

  • Speaking to yourself with tenderness
  • Imagining holding your younger self during flare-ups
  • Saying: “You’re safe now. I won’t leave you.”

This creates emotional re-parenting, which helps reduce panic in adult relationships.

💡 Use Reality Testing

Fear often distorts perception. Use questions like:

  • What evidence do I have that this person is pulling away?
  • Have they said or shown that they care?
  • Could this anxiety be from my past, not the present?

This separates emotion from fact, so you can respond instead of react.

🤝  Communicate with Vulnerability

Instead of hiding or blaming, try:

“When I don’t hear from you, my MS fear brain assumes I’ve done something wrong. I know it’s probably not true, but I just need a little reassurance.”

Or:

“Sometimes I worry that my needs will drive people away. I just want to be honest about what’s going on in my head.”

Most people appreciate the honesty—and it builds deeper trust.

🧘 Regulate Your Nervous System

Try:

  • Breathwork (like 4-7-8 breathing)
  • Somatic grounding (feeling your feet on the floor)
  • Cold therapy (cool showers or face dips)
  • Soothing touch (self-hug or weighted blanket)

These practices help bring your body out of panic and into safety.

Want to try Breathwork? Click here.

🧩 Practice Secure Attachment with Yourself

You can’t control others—but you can create internal safety:

  • Show up for yourself consistently
  • Keep your own promises
  • Soothe yourself when anxious
  • Speak kindly to yourself in hard moments

This builds emotional resilience even when relationships feel uncertain.

🧱 What Doesn’t Help (But Is Tempting)

  • 🧊 Shutting down: Isolation can worsen fear.
  • 🤐 Pretending you don’t need anyone: Everyone has needs. That doesn’t make you weak.
  • 🧹 Over-functioning to be “low maintenance”: You deserve care, too.
  • ❌ Ending relationships prematurely to “protect yourself”: You deserve connection, not preemptive grief.

🌱 What Healthy Support Looks Like

  • People who listen without fixing
  • Loved ones who check in without being asked
  • Friends who acknowledge your emotional and physical reality
  • Partners who say, “You’re not too much. We’ll figure this out together.”

Not everyone can offer this—but some people can. Keep space open for them.

💌 Affirmations to Soothe the Fear

Repeat or write these daily:

  • I am not too much.
  • I can be loved with all my needs.
  • The right people stay.
  • I offer value beyond what I can physically do.
  • I don’t have to perform wellness to be worthy of love.

🧠 Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone, Even If It Feels That Way

The fear of emotional abandonment in MS is real—but it doesn’t have to define your life.

You can create new emotional blueprints. You can learn to trust again. You can show up, fully and vulnerably, and still be loved. And even if others fall short, you can be the constant you’ve been waiting for.

Healing means telling yourself, again and again:

“I will not abandon myself.”

And that’s where everything begins.

📚 References

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
→ Foundational work on attachment theory and emotional security.

Mohr, D. C., Goodkin, D. E., Nelson, S., Cox, D., Weiner, M., & Boudewyn, A. C. (1997). Psychological stress and the subsequent appearance of new brain MRI lesions in MS. Neurology, 48(6), 1529–1535. https://doi.org/10.1212/WNL.48.6.1529
→ Demonstrates how emotional stress can worsen MS disease activity.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
→ Explains how adult attachment styles affect emotional reactions like fear of abandonment.

National Multiple Sclerosis Society. (2023). Emotional Health and MS. https://www.nationalmssociety.org
→ Resource on mental health challenges commonly faced by people with MS.

Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why it hurts to be left out: The neurocognitive overlap between physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8(7), 294–300. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2004.05.010
→ Shows how the brain processes emotional rejection similarly to physical pain.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
→ Discusses how emotional connection supports neurological and psychological regulation.

Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. W. W. Norton & Company.
→ Explores how perceived emotional abandonment affects health and cognition.

Breggin, P. R. (1997). The Heart of Being Helpful: Empathy and the Creation of a Healing Presence. Springer.
→ Discusses the healing power of empathetic presence in therapeutic and relational settings.

Teicher, M. H., Samson, J. A., Anderson, C. M., & Ohashi, K. (2016). The effects of childhood maltreatment on brain structure, function and connectivity. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 17(10), 652–666. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn.2016.111
→ Shows how early abandonment or neglect can affect adult stress responses.

Cozolino, L. (2014). The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain. W. W. Norton & Company.
→ Covers how attachment wounds affect the brain and emotional regulation later in life.

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